Small victories

It is raining with great intensity, as I drive in my car. I am raining inside as well. Not ten minutes earlier I had just come unraveled in front of my kids & husband, sobbing like a horrific maniac on the couch. "Why did I do that?" I wonder to myself, breaking for a stoplight in this sleepy drear town. That moment had been remiscent of my life ten years prior, but not of my life now. I am a happy, well adjusted married woman, with two kids ( plus one on the way), a house & a flurrishing social life. I had goals. I had ambition. I had God. I am not like this....anymore.

As I drive past city limits, I see a teenage girl walking in the rain with no coat or sweater, soaked to the bone. She reminds of myself on one of my many walks as a young girl. I just wanted to be out of the house, away from the angry shouting and screaming children. I needed to be somewhere I could think, somewhere I could feel something. I wondered if that girl had some where she could go to know she was loved. Or was she walking for the same reasons? I didn't have much more time to think about it, as my four year old daughter piped up from the backseat, "Where are we going Mommy? This isn't the way to Wal-Mart. You have to go by the pizza store & the groccery store." Smart girl. This would later leave her to conclude that whenever Mommy goes the long way, it's either because she is lost or sad.

By this point, warm tears have once again found their way down my cheeks, flowing as freely as my prying thoughts. I slip on my largest pair of sunglasses to hide the evidence of my downfall. This seems counterproductive, however, as it is the darkest day yet of the season. I hope that no one will pay it any matter, as I quickly run in to grab what I need...heaven forbid I see anyone I know! The tears lull, as they are replaced by numbness. I think to myself "Is it really all that bad?" What sort of weekend have I had that has me wondering whether Xanax is a safe medication to take during pregnancy.The bottle of sedements has sat in my medicine cabinet for three years, waiting for such a day like this, but I have never taken any. In fact, I have never taken anything. What stressed me three years ago is no longer an issue, and what bothered me day after day for years when I was a teenager has released it's hold on me. More or less, I have been a sunny happy optimist most my life. I have no reason to think that will ever change, however my families history of depression lingers over me like the blustering clouds overhead. I shake these thoughts out of my head as I arrive at my destination. I park, grab my daughter from the back seat and make a mad dash for the entrance through the unrelenting rain.

Inside, I stand in line at the pharmacy, my daughter falling into one of her coughing fits. We have come for some antibiotics for whatever is ailing her. A visit to the pediatric office earlier confirmed she may need chest X-rays. I know we can't afford it, but also know we might not have a choice. I say a silernt prayer when the lady behind us offers her cart to Taylor, so she can rest. I thank her kindly, and we begin to converse about our reasons for being here. As it turns out, she is a retired nurse, and offers me many suggestions, most of which I have already tried. She compilments me on my efforts and assures me I am doing my best. She recalls the days of sick children and ill-favored days as a young mother as well. "Being a mother is not always easy, but it's certainly the most rewarding job I have ever taken on." She reminds me that while I need to take care of her (my daughter), not to forget to take care of myself. After recieving the prescription, I think about what I needed most & head on out. "Goodluck & I hope she gets better soon!" the friendly lady calls to me. She has quite possibly made my day. She has lifted my spirits on this very bad day, for sure. That is all it is-- a bad day, and I should think nothing of it. Tomorrow is just another chance to turn it all around. "There she is." I say quietly. There's that optimistic woman I know & love. I was wondering when she would resurface. No prozac, no Xanax needed. Just a freindly stranger and the long way around town. Walking through the front doors into the fresh chill of the day, I remove the shades that hid my days trauma's & smile into the sun.