Small victories

It is raining with great intensity, as I drive in my car. I am raining inside as well. Not ten minutes earlier I had just come unraveled in front of my kids & husband, sobbing like a horrific maniac on the couch. "Why did I do that?" I wonder to myself, breaking for a stoplight in this sleepy drear town. That moment had been remiscent of my life ten years prior, but not of my life now. I am a happy, well adjusted married woman, with two kids ( plus one on the way), a house & a flurrishing social life. I had goals. I had ambition. I had God. I am not like this....anymore.

As I drive past city limits, I see a teenage girl walking in the rain with no coat or sweater, soaked to the bone. She reminds of myself on one of my many walks as a young girl. I just wanted to be out of the house, away from the angry shouting and screaming children. I needed to be somewhere I could think, somewhere I could feel something. I wondered if that girl had some where she could go to know she was loved. Or was she walking for the same reasons? I didn't have much more time to think about it, as my four year old daughter piped up from the backseat, "Where are we going Mommy? This isn't the way to Wal-Mart. You have to go by the pizza store & the groccery store." Smart girl. This would later leave her to conclude that whenever Mommy goes the long way, it's either because she is lost or sad.

By this point, warm tears have once again found their way down my cheeks, flowing as freely as my prying thoughts. I slip on my largest pair of sunglasses to hide the evidence of my downfall. This seems counterproductive, however, as it is the darkest day yet of the season. I hope that no one will pay it any matter, as I quickly run in to grab what I need...heaven forbid I see anyone I know! The tears lull, as they are replaced by numbness. I think to myself "Is it really all that bad?" What sort of weekend have I had that has me wondering whether Xanax is a safe medication to take during pregnancy.The bottle of sedements has sat in my medicine cabinet for three years, waiting for such a day like this, but I have never taken any. In fact, I have never taken anything. What stressed me three years ago is no longer an issue, and what bothered me day after day for years when I was a teenager has released it's hold on me. More or less, I have been a sunny happy optimist most my life. I have no reason to think that will ever change, however my families history of depression lingers over me like the blustering clouds overhead. I shake these thoughts out of my head as I arrive at my destination. I park, grab my daughter from the back seat and make a mad dash for the entrance through the unrelenting rain.

Inside, I stand in line at the pharmacy, my daughter falling into one of her coughing fits. We have come for some antibiotics for whatever is ailing her. A visit to the pediatric office earlier confirmed she may need chest X-rays. I know we can't afford it, but also know we might not have a choice. I say a silernt prayer when the lady behind us offers her cart to Taylor, so she can rest. I thank her kindly, and we begin to converse about our reasons for being here. As it turns out, she is a retired nurse, and offers me many suggestions, most of which I have already tried. She compilments me on my efforts and assures me I am doing my best. She recalls the days of sick children and ill-favored days as a young mother as well. "Being a mother is not always easy, but it's certainly the most rewarding job I have ever taken on." She reminds me that while I need to take care of her (my daughter), not to forget to take care of myself. After recieving the prescription, I think about what I needed most & head on out. "Goodluck & I hope she gets better soon!" the friendly lady calls to me. She has quite possibly made my day. She has lifted my spirits on this very bad day, for sure. That is all it is-- a bad day, and I should think nothing of it. Tomorrow is just another chance to turn it all around. "There she is." I say quietly. There's that optimistic woman I know & love. I was wondering when she would resurface. No prozac, no Xanax needed. Just a freindly stranger and the long way around town. Walking through the front doors into the fresh chill of the day, I remove the shades that hid my days trauma's & smile into the sun.

Has it really been over six months since my last update?!

Hello family & friends. It is indeed time for another update. An epic fail on my part, as it turns out that I am actually that bad at keeping an up to date blog. Oh well. You will all just have to settle for a part-time blogger.

It has been an amazing year so far. Since March, we have accomplished & done so much. I will break it into sections to make it easier for my brain to concentrate.

Renovations:
We started off at a snails pace, with nothing seemingly getting done at first. This might be due to the fact that the two men involved in this project have but a couple hours once a week to get together. Being that they are both required presences at the pizza shop, that's just how it goes. It was amid my ever so sutle complaining that by late summer they picked up the pace & had nearly completed the basement by August's end. That is where we stand still. I hope to light another fire under...well, you know, & hope to have the bathroom completed by years end. This might be a great feat, but I will let myself ponder the possibility for awhile..

Thomas:
What a busy man. Running the business with Bob, going to school full time while holding a 4.0, renovating, keeping up with chores around the house & spending quality time with his family. Is there anything this man can't do? Clean up his beard shavings off the sink comes to mind...but I'll let it slide.

Myself:
I've been quite busy myself. Seeing lots of new & old friends, helping to shape & grow amazing, God-fearing children, baking, cleaning, organizing, reading ( when I've got time!), & enjoying what I can of a social life. In March, I started watching a little girl a couple times a week named Kaelyn. When that ended, I began watching the Hendrickson kids (five!) once a week for the summer. The Hendricksons, if you do not know, are the family I worked with when I lived in Beaverton. What an amazing family.
I also started a blog about music (www.threesixtyfivedaysofmusic.blogspot.com), which if you know me well, you also know that is my passion next to writing. I had to take a break during the summer to properly enjoy my kids, but I am getting right back at it. I also took a position this last spring in my MOPS group titled Care Coordinator. it is a new position I get to try out. I will be serving mothers & families in need during times of transition & struggle, such as finding willing moms to provide meals, childcare, light housekeeping or conversation after a new baby is born... or sending gift cards to families who have lost their jobs or find themselves in financial struggle. That was something of a run-on sentence! Any who, I am glad to be doing it & to be involved in such a great group.

Taylor (4 years):
This is a changing year for Taylor. Just this week she started up several new activities & transitions. She started preschool at Grace Christian. She goes Monday, Wednesday & Friday mornings. She also has started AWANAS ( like youth group for younger children where they enjoy various activities & learn different bible verses.), & may get involved in soccer this year. Later to come in the winter/Spring; Swimming . Her current likes are anything Hello Kitty or Little Mermaid.

Aiden (2 years):
He is growing leaps & bounds. His language skills have expanded so much since my last update. He is in the early stages of potty training & endured his first camping trip this summer. He shall start soccer on Saturday. He loves his family & puppy dogs.

Changes & additions:
In April, we thought it a good idea to purchase a family pet. Instead we got Rufus. The dufus. OK-- their is some love in their somewhere. Rufus is (currently) an eight month old standard poodle. Not to be confused with a miniature fluff ball-- these dogs get BIG. He enjoys attention, barking at cats, sleeping on my couch when were not home, & digging through the trash & spreading it all over the backyard. I enjoy sweeping up after him, picking up his doggy poops, & cleaning up the trash from the backyard. Need I say more?

There will be another new addition in late March as well. We are expecting a new wee one & are very excited. I will be thirteen weeks tomorrow & shall have my first appointment on Monday at the water birthing center in West Salem. Yes-- fun times ahead. Taylor says she would like a baby sister. Then a baby brother for Aiden. I told her God will make those decisions. She wonders if God is done making up his mind yet.

That is all for now. By the time I get around to another update, the baby will be attending preschool themselves. A little humor...I hope.