It is inevitable. The end is right around the corner. I'm just not ready. I'm not ready to let my baby grow up. I'm not ready to quit breastfeeding. The sweet days of leisurely feeding while his tiny fingers entwine with mine are slowly being replaced with his urge to be involved with everything that’s happening around him. I knew it would happen. At first, I said I was going to try to make it through the first month. Once I had the basics of it down, I vowed to make it the first six months. As that approached, I knew I needed to go longer, for the both of us. We were emotionally attached.
My plan for awhile now has been to have him weaned by July, as we have two trips that do not involve children, but as that time approaches I find myself feeling anxious & unsure. I find myself rethinking my timeline, & our vacation as a couple becoming two plus baby.
There are things I want to accomplish before the end. I want a picture of us "together". I want it to be tasteful, & I want it to be B&W. I want to frame it & hang it in my bedroom. There is nothing more relaxing & soothing than those precious moments where the world leaves us alone. I want to remember those moments forever. Though I do not always love Angelina Jolie, I do admire that photo of her on the cover of a magazine. The one with her twins.Yes, she was breastfeeding. Of all the glam photos, that private moment taken by significant other has got to be the best photo shot of her. She is so at peace with herself, so natural. I see nothing wrong with that.
I want to en bed in my mind, as well, what I've loved so much about this experience, a fleeting period in our time together.
What I love about breastfeeding... the excuse to sit down. The feeling that I am protecting my son & nourishing his body. The feeling of being loved unconditionally. The way he curls up close to my heart. Watching him fidget with his ears when he's sleepy. How the top of his head smells. How he rolls his eyes up in satisfaction. The convenience. The connection. The trust. How much he needs me. When he glances up at me with those puppy dog eyes. When he laughs. So much more..so much more I want to remember. Time is not my friend, I know. Some things I will forget. There have been things I've wanted to remember that I said I would when my daughter was younger. But I have forgotten. Those precious moments. So fleeting.
Our purpose for breastfeeding has changed. It use to be for nourishment. Now it is mostly comfort. For the both of us. When he is tired, I am his pacifier. When he is hurting, he turns to me. I know we both enjoy this. I love how much he loves me. It is both a blessing & a curse. I cannot leave him for more than three to four hours a day. That is the sacrifice I have made, but gladly so. I guess I fear being needed less, what it will feel like. The void I will feel in my heart. I am needed in different ways by my daughter. I know this fear is unrealistic. I will still be needed. I will still be loved.
It is inevitable, I know. I will continue to enjoy it, day by day. There will be a last day, I know. With every weaning of a baby, comes the weaning of a mother. But today is not that day. Another small blessing.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Feeling homesick
Yes, it's true.After 3 years of wanting to move close to family and friends, and then doing so, I am indeed missing my old life. It's not that I am not enjoying things here... life changes are just hard, even if it's what you want or what you think you want.There will always be second guessing. There will always be "what ifs". There will always be that ole melancholy feeling lingering...just a case of "the grass is greener on the other side".But supose it was really greener on the other side...
I miss Beaverton for it's spacious roads that didn't make you feel enclosed. Driving anywhere on a busy street in Salem can set me into a panic attack.I know it seems silly, but did they really have to cram ten million bussinesses into one parking lot?And Beaverton is so clean,new (& growing),family oriented,ecofriendly, and I can see whats coming up with just a glance; the layout is truely amazing.Not located in the hustle n' bustle of Portland, but not more than a short commute away.And there was always something open, always something to do.I guess, Beaverton just felt like "us".
In our apartment, I enjoyed quiet fall mornings listening to Norah (Jones) with a hot cup of tea.Winter nights sharing a hot bath with my daughter.Spring in the city, all a bloom with tullips and Daffodils.Summer strolls around the complex in the evenings, and afternoon swims in the pool.In our town, I enjoyed having everything I needed within a ten minute drive.Powells.New Seasons.Noahs Bagels.Red Robin.Washington square.Pottery Barn.Ikea....
Originally, we are from the Salem/Dallas area.My husband & I attended highschool together in Dallas;we started dating our senior year.Our move to the city was promptd by two things: my husband & his father opening a bussiness in Oregon City, & myself finding a wonderful position as a nanny for a family with four children.This brought us seperatley to apartments & houses in Oregon City & St.Johns area.Soon, we collectivley decided on a large spatious apartment less than ten minutes from my work.It was to be our bachelor pad.One week later, I found out It was to be our first "home" shared as a family- I was pregnant.
A family home it became.Many thing happened, changed and stayed the same: Friendly visits,parties & party fowls, girly sleepovers, holidays...sharing,growing,changing....Our apartment bared witness to the planning of an arrival,a birth,a hybernation,the planning of a wedding, the planning of another arrival, another birth, the planning of a move...The apartment survived many redecorating stents involving paint, moving of furniture, attemts to remove stains,moving more furniture to cover up those stains...The apartment survived the first three months of both my pregnancys when I couldn't be bothered from my heavenly sleep to vacuum,put away laundry, or even do the dishes.The apartment survived the first few weeks of motherhood when I couldn't even imagine leaving the bed, let alone the house.I must have thought the diaper Genie was a coat hanger-diapers were thrown in the overflowing bathroom garbage connected to our room, and if it suited us, the bedside table (please don't call child services!). The apartment barely survived the week of our wedding, with six girls all staying over, seperated into two rooms.I've never seen so much stuff thrown about in such an unorganized fashion!Don't even get me started on the bathroom!I barely survived the packing, removing what once was, and what will never be again.On our last day, my husband and I helped our daughter say goodbbye. "Goodbye kitchen.Goodbye patio.Goodbye room." (Goodbye starbucks.Goodbye park we use to play in.Goodbye Millikan Way #213.Goodbye old life.)
But I chose this.We chose to move back here, to be closer to family who could help when needed.To be closer to friends so I wouldn't be so lonely.It's just been an adjustement.Here, everything closes by 9pm, and you have to drive atleast 20 miles for shopping.The churches and bar n' grills are plenty, people wear cowboy boots or cargos, and everyone whos anyone owns a horse or some form of livestock.I do not own a horse.I do not own cargos. I have one pair of cowboy boots, worn twice (they pinch my toes).We chose this...
The other day while looking through photos with my daughter, we came across a picture of her old room.Her big brown eyes looking up at me she softly whispers "I want mommys house."
I take her in my arms. "I know sweety.I do, too, but we will be getting a new home soon, with a new room for you.I know you will love it just as much." As I say this, I actually start to believe it.There will be new rooms.There will be new experiences,parties & gatherings.Things will change & stay the same.There will be more births.We will grow together.There will be new parks.
Heck- We have a starbucks!There is hope.
I miss Beaverton for it's spacious roads that didn't make you feel enclosed. Driving anywhere on a busy street in Salem can set me into a panic attack.I know it seems silly, but did they really have to cram ten million bussinesses into one parking lot?And Beaverton is so clean,new (& growing),family oriented,ecofriendly, and I can see whats coming up with just a glance; the layout is truely amazing.Not located in the hustle n' bustle of Portland, but not more than a short commute away.And there was always something open, always something to do.I guess, Beaverton just felt like "us".
In our apartment, I enjoyed quiet fall mornings listening to Norah (Jones) with a hot cup of tea.Winter nights sharing a hot bath with my daughter.Spring in the city, all a bloom with tullips and Daffodils.Summer strolls around the complex in the evenings, and afternoon swims in the pool.In our town, I enjoyed having everything I needed within a ten minute drive.Powells.New Seasons.Noahs Bagels.Red Robin.Washington square.Pottery Barn.Ikea....
Originally, we are from the Salem/Dallas area.My husband & I attended highschool together in Dallas;we started dating our senior year.Our move to the city was promptd by two things: my husband & his father opening a bussiness in Oregon City, & myself finding a wonderful position as a nanny for a family with four children.This brought us seperatley to apartments & houses in Oregon City & St.Johns area.Soon, we collectivley decided on a large spatious apartment less than ten minutes from my work.It was to be our bachelor pad.One week later, I found out It was to be our first "home" shared as a family- I was pregnant.
A family home it became.Many thing happened, changed and stayed the same: Friendly visits,parties & party fowls, girly sleepovers, holidays...sharing,growing,changing....Our apartment bared witness to the planning of an arrival,a birth,a hybernation,the planning of a wedding, the planning of another arrival, another birth, the planning of a move...The apartment survived many redecorating stents involving paint, moving of furniture, attemts to remove stains,moving more furniture to cover up those stains...The apartment survived the first three months of both my pregnancys when I couldn't be bothered from my heavenly sleep to vacuum,put away laundry, or even do the dishes.The apartment survived the first few weeks of motherhood when I couldn't even imagine leaving the bed, let alone the house.I must have thought the diaper Genie was a coat hanger-diapers were thrown in the overflowing bathroom garbage connected to our room, and if it suited us, the bedside table (please don't call child services!). The apartment barely survived the week of our wedding, with six girls all staying over, seperated into two rooms.I've never seen so much stuff thrown about in such an unorganized fashion!Don't even get me started on the bathroom!I barely survived the packing, removing what once was, and what will never be again.On our last day, my husband and I helped our daughter say goodbbye. "Goodbye kitchen.Goodbye patio.Goodbye room." (Goodbye starbucks.Goodbye park we use to play in.Goodbye Millikan Way #213.Goodbye old life.)
But I chose this.We chose to move back here, to be closer to family who could help when needed.To be closer to friends so I wouldn't be so lonely.It's just been an adjustement.Here, everything closes by 9pm, and you have to drive atleast 20 miles for shopping.The churches and bar n' grills are plenty, people wear cowboy boots or cargos, and everyone whos anyone owns a horse or some form of livestock.I do not own a horse.I do not own cargos. I have one pair of cowboy boots, worn twice (they pinch my toes).We chose this...
The other day while looking through photos with my daughter, we came across a picture of her old room.Her big brown eyes looking up at me she softly whispers "I want mommys house."
I take her in my arms. "I know sweety.I do, too, but we will be getting a new home soon, with a new room for you.I know you will love it just as much." As I say this, I actually start to believe it.There will be new rooms.There will be new experiences,parties & gatherings.Things will change & stay the same.There will be more births.We will grow together.There will be new parks.
Heck- We have a starbucks!There is hope.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
