The weaning of a mother

It is inevitable. The end is right around the corner. I'm just not ready. I'm not ready to let my baby grow up. I'm not ready to quit breastfeeding. The sweet days of leisurely feeding while his tiny fingers entwine with mine are slowly being replaced with his urge to be involved with everything that’s happening around him. I knew it would happen. At first, I said I was going to try to make it through the first month. Once I had the basics of it down, I vowed to make it the first six months. As that approached, I knew I needed to go longer, for the both of us. We were emotionally attached.

My plan for awhile now has been to have him weaned by July, as we have two trips that do not involve children, but as that time approaches I find myself feeling anxious & unsure. I find myself rethinking my timeline, & our vacation as a couple becoming two plus baby.

There are things I want to accomplish before the end. I want a picture of us "together". I want it to be tasteful, & I want it to be B&W. I want to frame it & hang it in my bedroom. There is nothing more relaxing & soothing than those precious moments where the world leaves us alone. I want to remember those moments forever. Though I do not always love Angelina Jolie, I do admire that photo of her on the cover of a magazine. The one with her twins.Yes, she was breastfeeding. Of all the glam photos, that private moment taken by significant other has got to be the best photo shot of her. She is so at peace with herself, so natural. I see nothing wrong with that.
I want to en bed in my mind, as well, what I've loved so much about this experience, a fleeting period in our time together.

What I love about breastfeeding... the excuse to sit down. The feeling that I am protecting my son & nourishing his body. The feeling of being loved unconditionally. The way he curls up close to my heart. Watching him fidget with his ears when he's sleepy. How the top of his head smells. How he rolls his eyes up in satisfaction. The convenience. The connection. The trust. How much he needs me. When he glances up at me with those puppy dog eyes. When he laughs. So much more..so much more I want to remember. Time is not my friend, I know. Some things I will forget. There have been things I've wanted to remember that I said I would when my daughter was younger. But I have forgotten. Those precious moments. So fleeting.

Our purpose for breastfeeding has changed. It use to be for nourishment. Now it is mostly comfort. For the both of us. When he is tired, I am his pacifier. When he is hurting, he turns to me. I know we both enjoy this. I love how much he loves me. It is both a blessing & a curse. I cannot leave him for more than three to four hours a day. That is the sacrifice I have made, but gladly so. I guess I fear being needed less, what it will feel like. The void I will feel in my heart. I am needed in different ways by my daughter. I know this fear is unrealistic. I will still be needed. I will still be loved.

It is inevitable, I know. I will continue to enjoy it, day by day. There will be a last day, I know. With every weaning of a baby, comes the weaning of a mother. But today is not that day. Another small blessing.