Small victories

It is raining with great intensity, as I drive in my car. I am raining inside as well. Not ten minutes earlier I had just come unraveled in front of my kids & husband, sobbing like a horrific maniac on the couch. "Why did I do that?" I wonder to myself, breaking for a stoplight in this sleepy drear town. That moment had been remiscent of my life ten years prior, but not of my life now. I am a happy, well adjusted married woman, with two kids ( plus one on the way), a house & a flurrishing social life. I had goals. I had ambition. I had God. I am not like this....anymore.

As I drive past city limits, I see a teenage girl walking in the rain with no coat or sweater, soaked to the bone. She reminds of myself on one of my many walks as a young girl. I just wanted to be out of the house, away from the angry shouting and screaming children. I needed to be somewhere I could think, somewhere I could feel something. I wondered if that girl had some where she could go to know she was loved. Or was she walking for the same reasons? I didn't have much more time to think about it, as my four year old daughter piped up from the backseat, "Where are we going Mommy? This isn't the way to Wal-Mart. You have to go by the pizza store & the groccery store." Smart girl. This would later leave her to conclude that whenever Mommy goes the long way, it's either because she is lost or sad.

By this point, warm tears have once again found their way down my cheeks, flowing as freely as my prying thoughts. I slip on my largest pair of sunglasses to hide the evidence of my downfall. This seems counterproductive, however, as it is the darkest day yet of the season. I hope that no one will pay it any matter, as I quickly run in to grab what I need...heaven forbid I see anyone I know! The tears lull, as they are replaced by numbness. I think to myself "Is it really all that bad?" What sort of weekend have I had that has me wondering whether Xanax is a safe medication to take during pregnancy.The bottle of sedements has sat in my medicine cabinet for three years, waiting for such a day like this, but I have never taken any. In fact, I have never taken anything. What stressed me three years ago is no longer an issue, and what bothered me day after day for years when I was a teenager has released it's hold on me. More or less, I have been a sunny happy optimist most my life. I have no reason to think that will ever change, however my families history of depression lingers over me like the blustering clouds overhead. I shake these thoughts out of my head as I arrive at my destination. I park, grab my daughter from the back seat and make a mad dash for the entrance through the unrelenting rain.

Inside, I stand in line at the pharmacy, my daughter falling into one of her coughing fits. We have come for some antibiotics for whatever is ailing her. A visit to the pediatric office earlier confirmed she may need chest X-rays. I know we can't afford it, but also know we might not have a choice. I say a silernt prayer when the lady behind us offers her cart to Taylor, so she can rest. I thank her kindly, and we begin to converse about our reasons for being here. As it turns out, she is a retired nurse, and offers me many suggestions, most of which I have already tried. She compilments me on my efforts and assures me I am doing my best. She recalls the days of sick children and ill-favored days as a young mother as well. "Being a mother is not always easy, but it's certainly the most rewarding job I have ever taken on." She reminds me that while I need to take care of her (my daughter), not to forget to take care of myself. After recieving the prescription, I think about what I needed most & head on out. "Goodluck & I hope she gets better soon!" the friendly lady calls to me. She has quite possibly made my day. She has lifted my spirits on this very bad day, for sure. That is all it is-- a bad day, and I should think nothing of it. Tomorrow is just another chance to turn it all around. "There she is." I say quietly. There's that optimistic woman I know & love. I was wondering when she would resurface. No prozac, no Xanax needed. Just a freindly stranger and the long way around town. Walking through the front doors into the fresh chill of the day, I remove the shades that hid my days trauma's & smile into the sun.

Has it really been over six months since my last update?!

Hello family & friends. It is indeed time for another update. An epic fail on my part, as it turns out that I am actually that bad at keeping an up to date blog. Oh well. You will all just have to settle for a part-time blogger.

It has been an amazing year so far. Since March, we have accomplished & done so much. I will break it into sections to make it easier for my brain to concentrate.

Renovations:
We started off at a snails pace, with nothing seemingly getting done at first. This might be due to the fact that the two men involved in this project have but a couple hours once a week to get together. Being that they are both required presences at the pizza shop, that's just how it goes. It was amid my ever so sutle complaining that by late summer they picked up the pace & had nearly completed the basement by August's end. That is where we stand still. I hope to light another fire under...well, you know, & hope to have the bathroom completed by years end. This might be a great feat, but I will let myself ponder the possibility for awhile..

Thomas:
What a busy man. Running the business with Bob, going to school full time while holding a 4.0, renovating, keeping up with chores around the house & spending quality time with his family. Is there anything this man can't do? Clean up his beard shavings off the sink comes to mind...but I'll let it slide.

Myself:
I've been quite busy myself. Seeing lots of new & old friends, helping to shape & grow amazing, God-fearing children, baking, cleaning, organizing, reading ( when I've got time!), & enjoying what I can of a social life. In March, I started watching a little girl a couple times a week named Kaelyn. When that ended, I began watching the Hendrickson kids (five!) once a week for the summer. The Hendricksons, if you do not know, are the family I worked with when I lived in Beaverton. What an amazing family.
I also started a blog about music (www.threesixtyfivedaysofmusic.blogspot.com), which if you know me well, you also know that is my passion next to writing. I had to take a break during the summer to properly enjoy my kids, but I am getting right back at it. I also took a position this last spring in my MOPS group titled Care Coordinator. it is a new position I get to try out. I will be serving mothers & families in need during times of transition & struggle, such as finding willing moms to provide meals, childcare, light housekeeping or conversation after a new baby is born... or sending gift cards to families who have lost their jobs or find themselves in financial struggle. That was something of a run-on sentence! Any who, I am glad to be doing it & to be involved in such a great group.

Taylor (4 years):
This is a changing year for Taylor. Just this week she started up several new activities & transitions. She started preschool at Grace Christian. She goes Monday, Wednesday & Friday mornings. She also has started AWANAS ( like youth group for younger children where they enjoy various activities & learn different bible verses.), & may get involved in soccer this year. Later to come in the winter/Spring; Swimming . Her current likes are anything Hello Kitty or Little Mermaid.

Aiden (2 years):
He is growing leaps & bounds. His language skills have expanded so much since my last update. He is in the early stages of potty training & endured his first camping trip this summer. He shall start soccer on Saturday. He loves his family & puppy dogs.

Changes & additions:
In April, we thought it a good idea to purchase a family pet. Instead we got Rufus. The dufus. OK-- their is some love in their somewhere. Rufus is (currently) an eight month old standard poodle. Not to be confused with a miniature fluff ball-- these dogs get BIG. He enjoys attention, barking at cats, sleeping on my couch when were not home, & digging through the trash & spreading it all over the backyard. I enjoy sweeping up after him, picking up his doggy poops, & cleaning up the trash from the backyard. Need I say more?

There will be another new addition in late March as well. We are expecting a new wee one & are very excited. I will be thirteen weeks tomorrow & shall have my first appointment on Monday at the water birthing center in West Salem. Yes-- fun times ahead. Taylor says she would like a baby sister. Then a baby brother for Aiden. I told her God will make those decisions. She wonders if God is done making up his mind yet.

That is all for now. By the time I get around to another update, the baby will be attending preschool themselves. A little humor...I hope.

Newport

Earlier today we made a trip to Newport with my father, his wife & their other grand kids (my nephews). What a blast! Though the whether was extremely rainy & windy at times, everyone had fun & behaved themselves, & both car trips there & back were peaceful, which is just an extra benefit. Here are a few pictures from the Newport Aquarium:

Taylor stopped to enjoy a view of the birds up on a rock.
I heart her.
I stopped briefly to observe some brotherly love as Aiden helped Taylor into his stroller for a rest.
Engrossed in the sea lions.
One of Taylor's many looks.

Yep. Looks about right. She's going to be a force to reckon with as a teenager."Birdie!"
"Fishy!"
He wanted a closer look.
This was the first trip we didn't actually walk along the beach, considering it was raining like a monsoon & the kids were cold. It was still an awesome trip though, & we did stop in at the local glass blowing shop & add another piece to our collection. Perfect.

Spring Fever!

yes, it is indeed true. The arrival of Spring & nicer whether has left us a bit stir crazy. Though not quite as warm as I like, we pulled on our wellies (well, some of us) & re-discovered our back yard:

Something yellow
Something beautiful
Something ugly
Something hidden
Something lost
Something blue

Something neglected

Aiden 18 months

Taylor 3 1/2

What a treasure hunt it was.

The mother I am

When I became a mother in the summer of 2006, I learned two things.One, everyone would assume I knew what I was doing. After all, children were my business and it was my business to know children. I have a certificate that says so. I almost convinced myself that those people were right, but as I found out, a nanny and a mother are not the same thing. A nanny can leave at the end of the day, a mother cannot. A nanny leaves her concerns for the day at the door, a mothers worries are never done. A nanny worries about what one mother thinks, a mother worries about what every mother thinks. I had some idea of what it was like to be a mother, but those were just guidelines.

The second thing I learned is how hard we as mothers are on each other. Praising another mother one second, then judging her choice the next. Convincing ourselves what we are doing is right, then second guessing ourselves all the way. We are never content and rarely are we completely certain. Sometimes I wonder if this will ever change.

Experience has helped me con cure the ups & downs of parenting, while I think my recent move to Dallas has helped me with the latter. In Beaverton, I felt rather like a lone parent, most my friends being at a different stage in their lives. I had to deal with the pressures of motherhood all my own. In Dallas, I am engulfed with parents. My own parents, my husbands parents, grandparents. Mothers my age, many I knew from high school, before motherhood ruled our lives. Mothers at the playground, mothers at church, mothers at MOPS. Forming friendships and connections with so many other mothers has helped me realize I need not be so hard on myself and my decisions I make as a parent.

I've learned that as mothers, we all feel the same basic emotions, and fear the same things. We are all afraid of being judged by the other. In living here, I have learned their are things as a mother I am good at, things I want to be good at and admire in other mothers, and things I can admit I'm not good at and will let go of. I call it my mother list. I recommend every mother have one, just so they remind themselves it's OK to be a goddess in the kitchen, but not enjoy building Lego's with their son. It's OK to be the animated night time storyteller and tucker-inner but just not good at getting the laundry put away in a timely manner. At least it's clean-this week! As mothers, we worry way too much about thetiniest details of our everyday lives (I'm guilty!) that we forget to enjoy the time we have with our children. We forget that other mothers are our biggest supporters, not our enemies.

This year for me (so far) has been about learning what kind of mother I am, and I am glad to have the support of other mothers in my community as I grow,change, learn and adjust. Being a mother is no easy job, but another thing I have learned is I'm never really alone in this adventure called motherhood.





My Mother List

As a mother I enjoy:
~ Planning outings, play dates & parties
~ Cuddles & leisurely feedings
~ Re-living my childhood
~ Being my children's best teacher

As a mother I want to work on:
~ Feeling OK with "mess" & "clutter"
~ Keeping a clean car
~ Getting outside as much as I should with the kids

As a mother I'm OK with:
~ Being flexible @ bedtime
~ Not having enough time for myself
~ Getting behind on my chores

As a mother I am good at:
~ Home cooked, well planned meals
~ Spending quality unstructured time with my kids
~ Planning ahead/ being timely
~ Never taking my children or good fortune for granted
~ I am a multitasking QUEEN

Another article I wrote last year for Father's day

50 reasons why...

We asked 50 moms from the NorthWest to weigh in on what makes their husband so special...These are their anwsers

1. "I don't have to remind him about birthdays, anniversaries, or our childrens school plays. He just knows."

2. "He let's me have a day for myself."

3. " ...Still love how he balances me out, between my insane bouts of emotions & my sometimes uncontrollable urges to buy everything in Target."

4. "How he will tell everyone how much he loves my cooking- I still burn the grilled cheese."

5. "He gets it done, and gets it done right."

6. "He has come to appreciate and respect the sweatpants, the undone hair & the hairy legs. It's all apart of the 'for better or for worse'."

7. "How he shares the morning responsibilities of getting the kids fed,bathed & dressed and knows sometimes to be a good mother, you have to be a rested mother."

8. "Loads a second load of dishes. He is so helpful!"

9. "Does all the jobs around the house I don't want to do, like clean the poop off the toliet, scooping the food out of the sink that doesn't have a disposal...the list goes on."

10. " He does the things I won't around the house, with a smile even!"

11. "He is willing to embarress himself in public to make our daughter stop bawling".

12. "...knows how to break down a stroller, playpen or highchair in ten seconds flat."

13. " He will unapologetically explain to his buddies he can't go golfing today, he promised his wife he'd watch dirty dancing for the ten millionth time."

14. "How he still holds my hand and calls me dear after fifty plus years of marriage."

15. "...makes me feel like the woman I was before children."

16. " How he cried when our son was born..."

17. " He appreciates my off course sense of style."

18. "How he knows how to bring peace to an esculating situation in the kitchen the moment he walks through the door."

19. "He can build an entire city out of legos. Absolutley amazing!"

20. "He knows what the kids need in their diaper bags."

21. "...has mastered the response "yes dear" and "If you think that's whats best"".

22. "...will run to the store after work anytime I ask without a single complaint."

23. " He knows what kind of days require backrubs and what days are best to leave me alone."

24. "...deals with the poop. Oh, all the wonderous poop that is produced throughout the process of raising children."

25. "How hot he looks in James Bond attire."

26. "When he wears the clothes I buy him, even if they aren't quite his style."

27. " How he is interested in my Projects, ideas, and clubs I'm involved in."

28. " How we both think the best way to celebrate anything is with a six pack & scratch it's!"

29. " I appreciate him for the things I am not & cannot be for our children."

30. "He will take the kids outside in the pouring rain because mom is going to lose it in the kitchen!"

31. " He is still the god-fearing loveable husband I married after three kids & ten years have gone by..."

32. " I appreciate him for loving me. period."

33. "How he ALWAYS puts family first."

34. " How he's the one that cooks, cleans & stays home."

35. " The way he understands that the green food can't be touching the red food on the plate..."

36. " He knows the top ten stores I like to shop, and let's me frequent them often."

37. " He can keep me grounded."

38. " How I don't have to even question weather he will be a good father this fall."

39. " He makes date night a priority."

40. " How he truely respects my parents."

41. " He keeps my embarressing moments to himself, like the time I peed on him!"

42. " ...will make an effort to care about my friends sisters troubles with her boyfriend who..."

43. "Puts up with my health foods & herbal healing ways."

44. "He holds my hair back when I puke in the toliet from this excrutiating morning,afternoon, evening & night time sickness."

45. " ...has adjusted to his corner of the bed (shared between us and two little ones!)."

46. " How he is doing all the things he said he would with our son now that he is old enough."

47. " Late night cheesecake runs. Say no more."

48. " He will back up my dicipline decisions, even when he doesn't completely agree."


49. " I appreciate him for all the things that make him a man."


50. " How he still likes to "get it on"..."

An article I wrote last summer

10 easy steps to detox your home

Kids are always bringing weird and strange things in the house and asking "Can we keep it? Please Mooooom?". As much as we all love the creepy crawlies and may even give into the occasional snake or even (shiver) spider, there are some things that are brought into the house that don't have to be accepted: Toxins. Here are 10 easy steps to keep the place you hold your loved ones, a little more lovely (depsite the new house guests!)

1.) Take off your shoes when home.If you have carpet, get a deep cleaning once or twice a year.

2.) Use clothe made of microfiber for dusting and cleaning. This material catches the dust instead of moving it around. Have a specific one for each task- don't mix kitchen with other cleaning rags. Microfiber works for floors, too! So ditch that old dingy mop! We like swiffer products. ( www.swiffer.com)

3.) Go non-toxic by eliminating harsh chemical residues from traditional cleaners. Try easy to make home remedies or Methods Squeaky Green brand. (www.methodhome.com)

4.) Air out bedroom sheets and blankets 15 minutes every morning. Just pull back the bedding and open the windows! This helps keep bacteria from breeding in your bed. Yuck!

5.) Wipe your feet clean every night before bed. This will help keep the dust mites out of your bed. Double yuck!

6.) Avoid pvc shower curtains ( vinyl) that are constantly offgasing unhealthy toxins into your home. Consider other non-toxic choices like linen.

7) Stop buying offgasing pvc toys for your children. Plastic smell = not good :-( There are currently many sustainable quality toys that are affordable popping up everywhere. Maybe even at your favorite local shopping facility. Our favorites include Ikea, ( www.ikea.com) Oompa, (www.oompa.com) and maukilo( www.maukilo.com).

8.) Burn only natural candles such as ones made of soy. New Seasons carries a variety of soy candles in soothing scents & vibrent colors.

9.) Keep toxin eating plants in your home, at least one per room. They can eliminate up to 90% of chemicals in the air. Check with your local nurserys for a list of which plants will be most effective ( not all are pollutant eating).

10.) Change all filters in your home every three months or as reccomended. Air circulators such as fans need attention as well. Dust weekly with microfiber clothes to help keep air allergen free.

For more information on detoxing your home, try this book ( Which is where we got our sources): Squeaky Green By Eric Ryan and Adam Lowry